KP (Kitchen Patrol)

Hoarders?

2011-07-15T08:35:00.001-07:00

Has anybody watched this show called Hoarders?
http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/

Please post your review in the comments if you have.

STILL not clear

2010-08-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Update: we have still not completed our virus scan of the picture from the last post. It's taking forever. A kind reader pointed out that we could use HIMEM.SYS to load the DOS kernel code into High Memory Area (HMA) so that we could give our virus program more conventional memory. BUT we had to re-start the scan when we rebooted for the memory change to take effect. We will send out the 'all clear' when it is safe to proceed.

Note: if you would like to utilize this technique on your home computer, specify DOS=HIGH in CONFIG.SYS

An Apology? Or a Trojan Horse?

2010-08-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Kitchen Patrol just received a suspicious email with this attached:

No one here at KP understands the meaning behind this. Is it a truce proposal of some type? Sorry? That's it?

If you have a conspiracy theory as to the meaning of this, please, by all means, leave a comment with your plausible explanation. Should we respond? What should we say?

Also note the following clue: the originating email address was yourBFF@MouselingWorldDomination.org

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I need a DOUBLE RAINBOW ASAP.

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Attention: We are currently scanning this attachment for viruses. Please note that we are using an Intel 386SX16 (with math co-processor) for virus control. Scanning should be completed by Thursday. At that point the picture should be safe for downloading and additional analysis. Please do not download this image before you receive the "all clear" signal.

PROBLEM SOLVED!!

2010-03-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

Dearest KP,

I've been following your blog for some time now. I know everyones situation is unique to them, but I found a solution to my messy kitchen that I would like to share with your readership.

The anwser was right it front me, I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out: I just moved all the stuff I didn't want in my kitchen into the bedroom!! Viola!! My kitchen is now much neater!

-Anne

Anne,

Congrats! Nice solution to what appears to have been a rather sticky problem. Way to think "Out of the Box"! That's what we like to call K.I.S.S. principle around here at KP: Keep It Simple Silly! Don't go for some complex, difficult to coordinate solution. If there is a mess in your way, just move it out of your way! Well done!

-KP

P.S. I like Shipley Do-Nuts too! Nice to find a fellow fan!

Extreme Ironing

2009-12-23T10:47:00.000-08:00

Reader Ben (not formally enlisted in Kitchen Patrol) wrote in to give us some kitchen tips:

"My whole life I've always been into multitasking. My latest revelation is that I can cook, clean the kitchen, do laundry (and even iron!) at the same time. I've come to realize how useful an iron is for other duties too. You can make toast with it, fry burgers, and you can even light cigarettes with it if you turn it way up. In a pinch, you can even take out a rogue rodent, which, BTW is kind of problem around here although I'm not really sure why.

The sweet setup shown below is a top shelf Rowenta ironing board I pulled straight from a dumpster in an alley right here in the heart of Hell's Kitchen. A wall mount would be a nice addition as it might help me keep things a little neater.

But the real reason I thought KP readers would be interested is because now that I am cooking ON the ironing board it has drastically reduced my dirty dish/pan load which in turn allows me to keep my kitchen much cleaner. I really really don't like doing the dishes. The only downside is that I am eventually going to obtain a regular supply of ironing board covers as my clothes are starting to get greasy.

Enjoy!!!"

Thanks for the tip Ben. -KP

OLD NEWS (if you are a KP'er that is)

2009-09-08T03:58:00.000-07:00

LONDON, England (CNN) -- Scientists have discovered a new species of giant rat in a remote rainforest in Papua New Guinea.

Measuring 82 centimeters (32.2 inches) from nose to tail and weighing around 1.5 kilograms (3.3 pounds), the species is thought to be one of the largest rats ever to be found.

CNN link.

_____________________________________________________________

The KPIA (Kitchen Patrol Intelligence Agency) has known about this particular breed of militarized rats for some time now. Heck, we've even posted about it here: enemy-agent-captured. Look at the guys pants: it's from the SAME photo shoot! Note the DATE of the Kitchen Patrol posting: May 30, 2008--16 months before CNN. CNN is just getting to this critical story that could effect humanity as we know it? Now, tell me, who do you trust for your news? CNN or KP?

And, if you are a regular reader of KP, you already know who is behind it: the mouslings of course. And I have news for you. It is NO WHERE NEAR the largest ever to be found.

Rank Amateurs!

2009-05-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital

Tue May 12, 9:01 pm ET

SAN JOSE, Calif. – An office worker cleaning a fridge full of rotten food created a smell so noxious that it sent seven co-workers to the hospital and made many others ill. Firefighters had to evacuate the AT&T building in downtown San Jose on Tuesday, after the flagrant fumes prompted someone to call 911. A hazmat team was called in.

What they found was an unplugged refrigerator that had been crammed with moldy food.

Authorities said an enterprising office worker had decided to clean it out, placing the food in a conference room while using two cleaning chemicals to scrub down the mess. The mixture of old lunches and disinfectant caused 28 people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea.

Authorities said the worker who cleaned the fridge didn't need treatment — she can't smell because of allergies.

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Rank amateurs! Regular readers of Kitchen Patrol would have NO difficulty dealing with this situation. We've all dealt with worse, and didn't end up in the hospital. Leave a comment that explains how YOU would have dealt with this!

Ten-Hut!!!

Help! Advice needed ASAP!

2009-02-26T09:10:00.001-08:00

Dear KP,

I have a bit of mess and I don't know where to begin. It's getting worse by the day, and I lay in bed at night just worrying and worrying and fretting about it. I feel paralyzed and helpless. I'm afraid to even go into the kitchen. Please, I need some advice so that I can finally get some sleep!!

-Matt

What do you think windows are for? 3/4 of that stuff can go RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

I said NOW soldier!!

Clean but Cluttered?

2009-02-26T07:01:00.000-08:00

Private First Class Jeffrey wrote in to say that his voracious following of Kitchen Patrol (KP) finally gave him the courage to clean his kitchen. He was SO proud of his work that he submitted a photo of the results:
Great Job Jeffrey! It looks very clean. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it does appear to be a bit cluttered.

KP has two questions:

1. What is the red "cube" looking thing in the lower center? I understand that it may be bit hard to get to your refrigerator given the slight clutter, but if the red "cube" is a defrosting piece of meat for a pot roast (and I suspect it is), you might want to take care of it before you need your fan (pictured) to deal with it. I see you have a skillet--why don't you fry that puppy up?

2. What were you doing up at 5 am to take the picture (I see the time stamp in the lower right)? If you were UP UNTIL 5 am working on your "cleaning", consider yourself promoted!

Does anyone else in the KP Army have any suggestions for Jeffrey? Is so, please leave a comment. Remember, we are a community here!

Giant Rat Caught in China

2009-02-19T09:47:00.000-08:00

Please note: If you are a regular reader of Kitchen Patrol (KP), you will immediately grasp the importance of the following story. If you are not a regular reader of Kitchen Patrol (KP), I suggest that you read all of the KP posts in chronological order right now. The blog archive is over to your right.
______________________________________________________________

Giant rat caught in China

A giant rat with one-inch-long teeth has been caught in the southern Chinese province of Fujian.

By Malcolm Moore in Shanghai
Last Updated: 12:36PM GMT 18 Feb 2009

Giant rat with one-inch-long teeth has been caught in the southern Chinese province of Fujian Photo: HTTP://NEWS.163.COM

The rat, which weighed six pounds and had a 12-inch tail, was caught at the weekend in a residential area of Fuzhou, a city of six million people on China's south coast.

The ratcatcher, who was only named as Mr Xian, said he swooped for the rodent after seeing a big crowd of people surrounding it on the street.

He told local Chinese newspapers that he thought the rat might be a valuable specimen, or a rare species, and had to muster up his courage before grabbing its tail and picking it up by the scruff of its neck.

"I did it, I caught a rat the size of a cat!" he shouted out afterwards, according to the reports. Mr Xian is believed to still be in possession of the animal, after stuffing into a bag and departing the scene.

Just Another Day at the "Office"

2009-02-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Just another day at the "Office": Fully uniformed Kitchen Patrol Infantry exemplifying their Duty to Kitchen!

Spic and Span!

Proper Use of Storage Space!

2009-01-13T07:28:00.000-08:00

Here at Kitchen Patrol we have SOPs (Standing [no, not Standard] Operating Procedures). As a reminder, SOPs are promulgated by KP unit members, and are based on unit experience and local conditions.

One of the key SOPs centers around fully utilizing ALL storage space EFFICIENTLY. Please study the following picture:

Were you able to pick out what this KP'er is doing wrong?

Look carefully at the upper center cabinet. IT'S EMPTY!!

Just imagine how much of the food that is on the counter top (and floor) could be jammed, packed, and stacked into that empty storage area, thereby improving the general aesthetics of this kitchen?

PLEASE follow SOPs. The very survival of your kitchen may depend on them.

New Years Resolution

2009-01-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

"TEN-HUT KP'ERS! It's time for your New Year's Resolution Pledge of Allegiance/Pledge of Cleaning Commitment!"

Now, repeat after me:

"I"

"I" [say your name and KP rank]

"DO PROMISE" Do promise...

"TO CLEAN" To clean...

"THE KITCHEN" The kitchen...

"AT LEAST" at least...

"ONCE" once...

"DURING 2009" during 2009...

Good Job, you did it! You made a commitment! That' ALL for today, DIS-MISSED. (you don't need to clean today--you've already accomplished something significant today!)

Question from a Loyal Reader

2008-11-14T14:17:00.000-08:00

Here at Kitchen Patrol (KP), we usually don't accept questions from readers. HOWEVER, loyal reader Private First Class Eric sent us the following picture and question:

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Dear KP,

I'm having trouble keeping the inside of my stove sparkling clean like the ones shown on Kitchen Patrol. Do you or your readers have any tips? Should I be using a Foam-Based Oven Cleaner? Or is it that I'm just not using enough "elbow grease"?

Thanks in Advance,
Eric

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Come On Readers! Now's your chance to strut your knowledge! Leave a comment for poor Eric, he's obviously in need of some high-level advice and instruction!

Toys in the KITCHEN? ERRRG!

2008-11-06T09:16:00.001-08:00

Don't you just hate it when your kids don't clean up after themselves and leave toys lying around?

I work hard to keep our kitchen clean and THIS is what I get in return?

KIDS! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW AND PICK UP YOUR DAMN TOYS!!!

Bobby: I made your lunch and put it where it goes--in the bucket by the dishwasher.

POP QUIZ, KITCHEN SOLDIER!!

2008-10-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

How would you deal with this alligator PEST in your kitchen?!?!

Bug Spray? Fogger? Lysol? Humane "Catch and Release" trap, Shotgun? Leave a comment explaining what action you would take. LEAVE YOUR COMMENT NOW, DON'T OVERTHINK the problem, you have an ALLIGATOR IN YOUR KITCHEN. ACT NOW.

Note: If you DON'T leave a comment, I will assume that you ran away like a girly-man and automatically demote you. Don't be that person.

Kitchen Patrol's Tip of the Day!

2008-10-20T10:51:00.001-07:00

IT'S TIME FOR: Today's Kitchen Patrol Tip Of The Day! (KPTOTD)

If you don't have a primary kitchen trash can OR if you are in need of an auxiliary one, you can improvise a handy field solution by simply hanging a garbage bag over a cabinet handle, as show below:

Notice how conveniently located this one is, and how much it has reduced the clutter and mess of this kitchen!

Thanks to Private Tawni for this tip!

SAFETY in the Kitchen

2008-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

All of us, at one time or another in our Duty to Kitchen, have slipped up and inadvertently created a potentially unsafe condition. Can you spot the safety hazard in the following picture?

Please leave your answer (and thoughts/advice) in a comment. Here is your chance to get promoted! Ten-hut, Soldier!

Back to Boot Camp Basics: First step in cleaning out your drawers and cubbards...

2008-10-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

..is to empty them out so that they can be properly cleaned:

A Reward Can Keep You Motivated!

2008-10-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes cleaning the kitchen can be hard work.

Sometimes you get discouraged and struggle with your enthusiasm and desire to complete the task at hand.

Some Kitchen Patrol (KP) Troopers have found that they can benefit greatly by mentally picturing a REWARD for a job well done. The desire to reach that award helps drive them and keeps them going through the really tough times, like cleaning the rotten eggs out of your garage disposal that has been broken for weeks and you have been procrastinating because you had better things to do and thank God your kitchen is separated from the rest of the house by a door that closes and it really wasn't that hard to put a towel in the crack under the door and that worked for quite a while but now you can smell the disposal even when you are out in your driveway.

So GO RIGHT AHEAD! Think up a reward for yourself! It doesn't have to be real--it can even be imaginary!

Here's an example to help get you started: Peg Bundy wanting you in your freshly cleaned kitchen!

Important Cleaning Tip That Could SAVE YOUR LIFE!!

2008-09-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

Cleaning products can also be extremely reactive when mixed. Bleach, when mixed with any product containing ammonia (or visa versa), will react to produce deadly chlorine gas. NEVER MIX CHEMICALS, ESPECIALLY CLEANING PRODUCTS. Some people think that if something works well by itself, it might work even better if combined with something else..... Wrong!!! Even emptying a mop bucket with an ammonia containing product into the sink, followed by a sponge full of bleach, can produce enough chlorine gas to be dangerous.

Possible Enemy Alliance with the ANTS?

2008-08-15T07:41:00.001-07:00

KNOW YOUR ENEMY!!!

A Solution? Well, maybe a PARTIAL solution.

2008-08-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

Long time Kitchen Patrol (KP) reader Mary sent us the following picture. She claims that her Mouseling problem is now fully under control and that her kitchen (pictured) is adequately defended against enemy sorties.

Good job Mary! Feels good doesn't it?

However, you might want to clean up a bit now that you have your Base of Operations and Perimeter secured.

A Dangerous Development

2008-07-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

A VERY dangerous development. This one should require no explanation if you are a regular reader of Kitchen Patrol (KP):

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The Mouse is back on Hamas TV

Character had talked of liberating Jerusalem, Iraq and other areas

JERUSALEM - A weekly children's show on a Hamas-run TV station featuring a Mickey Mouse lookalike preaching Islamic domination was broadcast as usual Friday, two days after the Palestinian information minister said it would be suspended immediately.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18619036/

Open your eyes people!!!

Samurai Mouse Armor?

2008-07-17T07:41:00.001-07:00

CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

2008-07-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

As you are probably well aware, we have had some misfire incidents lately with our traps set up for base perimeter defense. And that the cheese bait (Gouda, Swiss, Cheddar) used in the traps was suspiciously absent following the trap discharges...

Well, in an attempt to figure out what was going awry, cameras hooked up to motion detectors were placed to observe the trap minefields.

Here is an image that was captured last night:

They are using a "Mission Impossible" style assault! Complete with body rigging and flight harnesses! Is that a miniature carabiner? It looks like they are utilizing a modified dual line Australian-style rappel technique! Ingenious! Now that we know HOW they are doing it, we can devise a counter-strategy.

Mouse Body Armor?

2008-07-16T09:45:00.001-07:00

The following picture was smuggled out to us by a deep undercover agent:

The Mouselings are clearly developing some type of mouse BODY ARMOR. It is hard to say whether this is just a prototype or represents a suit that has already been deployed to the field. I must admit, the craftsmanship appears to be precise and it is obviously quite ornate; however, battle conditions rarely respect beauty! Time will tell how well these suits will protect against high speed shrapnel, basic mousetraps, and the bludgeoning of brooms.

They are using our own Technology against us--AGAIN

2008-07-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

SOLDIER! Do NOT touch that beer!! That's an order!

Sympathetic to the Mouselings? Or worse?

2008-07-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) discovered the following shirt during a raid on a Mouseling splinter-cell lair (along with a huge cache of weapons-grade Gorgonzola):

A true cause for concern? A coincidence? A bad practical joke?

If you have any thoughts (or additional information) on the matter, please leave a comment.

Press Release on "Cheeseboarding"

2008-06-13T14:11:00.001-07:00

As a follow up the Capture of an Enemy Agent, the Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) has released the following statement regarding the so-called practice, procedures, and policy of "Cheeseboarding". Note that the KPCIC censors have blacked out any sensitive/confidential/top secret information:

Note: this document was obtained through the Freedom of Information Act. Special Thanks to Private First-Class Carl for jumping thru all the hoops necessary to obtain this information.

Our New Overlords

2008-06-11T11:41:00.000-07:00

"I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new Giant Rat Overlords."

All hope for success is now officially lost.

Enemy Agent CAPTURED!

2008-05-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Field Reconnaissance Group (KPFRG) have announced that they have captured a enemy scout. Here is a photo of the the captured combatant:

The Mouselings have obviously been busy at work with their breeding enhancement program--this is the largest captured agent to date.

Note: The Enemy scout was sedated for this propaganda-oriented photo shoot. This is necessary as infantry mouselings have a tendency to go berserk and bite fingers off when detained.

Counter-Counter Intelligence Photo

2008-05-20T06:02:00.001-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) has just learned that the Mouselings have developed DECOYS in an attempt to thwart our latest Night Vision Device (NVD) technologies.

Here is a Counter-Counter Intelligence photograph of the decoys. As a reminder, this photo is classified.

It was also learned that the decoys internally contained chemically activated heat packs-- apparently the purpose of which is to create a shadow/decoy thermal image to deceive any heat-based detection.

Night Vision Technology on the "Battlefield"

2008-05-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Special Warfare Weapons Group (KPSWWG) has been working diligently on Night Vision Technology. The following picture is from a head mounted binocular Night Vision Device [NVD], currently in pre-release battlefield testing:

Here is one of their design diagrams that shows the principles behind their Night Vision Devices. The photocathode is made with gallium arsenide.

High Tech!

Prototype v0.2

2008-05-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Here is a photograph of early Prototype v0.2:

The two "inventors" with the sh*t eating grins were promptly fired.

Cute, but quite Deadly, I assure you

2008-05-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

Prototype v6.4:

WOW, HUGE!

Cat Boot Camp Training Film

2008-05-13T07:04:00.000-07:00

This is sample Physical Training (PT) film from Boot Camp, where cats are being trained on a treadmill for Infantry Duty in the upcoming war with the Mousetroopers:

Cats On A Treadmill - Watch more free videos

Thanks to Private Benjamin for the video contribution!

Now we are REALLY talking!

2008-05-09T07:46:00.001-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Special Warfare Weapons Group (KPSWWG) has just released the following classified pictures of their latest genetic hybrid cats (WMDs):

Prototype V 2.1:

Prototype V3.5:

OH YEAH!!! this thing will be able to toy with and bat around Mousetroopers like they were field mice! And probably leave their decapitated bodies on your front porch to boot!

Also, note how aggressive it is! The handler is having to resort to a water spray (note: works with ALL sizes of cats) to keep it in line and under control! I love it, humanity may have a chance after all!!

Now We're Talking!!

2008-05-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had a long sit down meeting with the Kitchen Patrol Special Warfare Weapons Group (KPSWWG). It turns out that they ARE working on other Weapons of Mouse Destruction (WMDs)--based on GIANT cats. Whew.

Here is a pic of one of their early genetic hybrid models:

OH YEAH. But here's the great part: this particular breed will not be deployed because it is too SMALL!

I'm trying to get the KPSWWG to release some photos of some of their larger mutant strains, so stay tuned!

Scalable Trap Prototype #1

2008-05-01T18:37:00.001-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Special Warfare Weapons Group (KPSWWG) produced the following full scale SCALABLE mouse trap:

Wait a minute... Upon closer inspection, it appears that this trap is based on the board game Mousetrap! I'm going to have to have a word with the KPSWWG--this is never going to work. What are they thinking? A Rube Goldberg rattletrap rig like this isn't going to be able to defeat legions of armed Mousetroopers! I sure hope, for all of our sakes, that the secret lab of the KPSWWG has some other scalable prototypes in the works...

Weapons of Mouse Destruction (WMDs)

2008-04-28T07:20:00.001-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Special Warfare Weapons Group (KPSWWG) has completed testing of the first prototype of the new Massively Multiple Online Trap (MMOT) and has officially declared it as a Weapon of Mouse Destruction (WMD). Field deployments should begin soon. Results are shown below.

As a security reminder, the above picture is CLASSIFIED. Also, it should be noted that the KPSWWG is working on additional WMD models that can be upscaled in size in an effort to stop Mousetroopers.

CORNERED BY MOUSETROOPERS

2008-04-24T04:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the big time gap in postings...I have been laying low and staying incognito as they are getting very close to catching up to me.

I (and KP) must be perceived as quite a threat to their plans, as they are not holding back in the pursuit of me one bit. Now they have deployed the Mouse Republican Guard in an effort to get me:

A platoon of these goons almost had me corned yesterday, but I managed to escape their trap by using a distraction: I yelled "CAT!!!!" at the top of my lungs and pointed at a fictional cat behind the approaching mousetroopers. All heads turned at once and I was able to affect my escape. Pretty quick thinking on my feet if I do say so myself. At least I have feet at this point as opposed to paws/claws. Let's hope it stays that way.

I THINK THEY ARE ON TO ME

2008-04-18T04:17:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have the feeling you are BEING WATCHED?

Well I was out on a walk last night (an unscheduled one I might add) and I began to have the very distinct and creepy feeling that someone was following me.

I took out my cell phone and pre-prepped it to be ready to take a picture. I spun quickly around and sure enough, someone was watching me. I got this shot and then it ran away:

I'm worried. If you don't hear from me again, you'll know what happened.

Additional AEM Intel

2008-04-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

As a follow up to yesterday's intel post, the Kitchen Patrol Couter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) has just released an additional photo recovered in the recent raid:

It clearly provides proof that the Mice have also produced an Anti-Extermination Mask (AEM) for human children. According to the KPCIC, the child in the photo is in a nursery training center designed to simulate care of future young mouse/human hybrids (mouselings).

Additional Mouse Intel

2008-04-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

The Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) has known for some time that the Mice were working on Anti-Extermination Masks (AEMs). However, new intel, including the following recovered prototype photo, has shown that they are developing AEMs for their human minions as well:

Know your Enemy!

2008-04-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

Carefully study the following diagram from the Kitchen Patrol Field Survival Manual:

Commit this information to memory. Your life may depend on it.

Evidence of Human Recruitment

2008-04-14T04:38:00.001-07:00

Last week we warned that intelligence indicated that the Mice were recruiting humans. Now we have hard intel. The following picture was also recovered in the raid and was just de-classified by the Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC). It clearly shows humans active in a Mouse traing camp:

If you aren't scared now, you should be.

FLASH, THIS JUST IN: The Department of Kitchenland Security just raised the threat level to "Purple". Stay tuned for additional warnings, propaganda, and precautions.

Additional information from the Mice raid

2008-04-10T20:17:00.001-07:00

Here at KP, we had always assumed that a Rat King was the leader of the mice.

We were wrong.

The Kitchen Patrol Counter Intelligence Corp (KPCIC) has just released new information on the documents that were recovered in yesterday's raid. It turns out that this image represents their leader:

The KPCIC isn't sure if this image represents an actual physical mouse or is an idealized/stylized image of a mouse diety. They also aren't sure if the leadership is military-based or spiritually-oriented. Speculation at this point has led to the conjecture that it may be a blend of the two.

The KPCIC has also learned that a deployed sub-organization of Mice isn't referred to as a "cell", "slinter cell", "squad", or "platoon". The term used within the larger organization is CLUB. Here is their emblem (also recovered in the raid):

Now for the most frightening aspect of freshly de-classified information: the Mickey Mouse "Club" is apparently recruiting humans to assist in their bidding!

More information will posted as it is released by the KPCIC.

THIS JUST IN: Recovered Mouse Attack Plan

2008-04-09T06:14:00.001-07:00

Units operating in a forward location staged on raid on a suspected Mouse liar. Luckily, resistance was not encountered; the Mice must have been out on a mission. HOWEVER, during the raid, important documents were recovered. Presumably this location was a key Mouse field intelligence center.

The following document was among those recovered:

The KP Counter Intelligence Corp is now studying the document. They have not fully completed their analysis. Please carefully study the above. If you have any conjectures as to what this attack plan may indicate, please leave your thoughts in a comment. The Future Depends on You! [note: the attack plan references a "catapult diagram" which was NOT recovered in the raid.]

Note how sophisticated the plan is--Never Underestimate Your Enemy!

Remember to Clean between your Appliances!

2008-04-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Stuff can fall into empty and go unnoticed! Please, for Heaven's sake, remember clean in between your appliances and cabinets!

Just another friendly Public Service reminder brought to you by your friends at Kitchen Patrol!

TOP SECRET: For Your Eyes Only

2008-04-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

The following document is classified as TOP SECRET. The information contained herein could save your life. Please memorize it, carefully noting the locations of the key valves.

When you believe you have the diagram fully committed to memory, print this page out and destroy it. You have 60 seconds.

Don't be "that guy"

2008-04-07T05:02:00.000-07:00

From For Better or For Worse.

SOP: Encountering Hoarding in the Field

2008-04-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

THIS isn't just a MESS, it is an example of Hoarding:

If you encounter a hoarding situation, DO NOT attempt to resolve it yourself! The authorities MUST be contacted!

Example contact: http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dpwes/trash/hoarding/suspect.htm

You will need to determine the correct authorities to contact for your deployment location.

Don't you just hate it when...

2008-04-03T04:28:00.001-07:00

...stuff like this comes erupting out of your kitchen sink? And then having to siphon it off somewhere? Nothing more inconvenient that having your main "purge hole" non-functioning...

KPTOD: Don't put off doing your dishes...

2008-04-02T04:27:00.001-07:00

Like it or not, EVENTUALLY it will catch up to you.

Well I guess it IS a preventative strategy...

2008-04-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

...your kitchen can't get ANY messier if you can't get into it:

Why sweep when you can VACUUM?

2008-03-31T04:38:00.001-07:00

Once vacuumed with a wet/dry vac, the mess is quickly dispatched into an "outta sight, outta mind" location. It's like magic, the mess is gone, the contents not to be dealt with until the vacuum cleaner stops funtioning properly (or starts smelling bad, whichever comes first). Forget robots, this is some amazing technology.

Cabinent Loading

2008-03-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

Today's Kitchen Patrol Tip of the Day (KPTOD):

DO NOT OVERLOAD YOUR CABINENTS:

or you will invite sheer disaster as shown in this actual (not simulated) picture.

LOL dogs?!?!

2008-03-27T04:35:00.001-07:00

Kinda funny, but LOLdogs seem to lack that "they're so cute I want to strangle them" aspect of LOLcats.

REMINDER: March is National Stove Cleaning Month

2008-03-26T04:38:00.000-07:00

Don't forget! March is National STOVE CLEANING MONTH!

Hurry Up, you are almost out of time! Don't let it slide until next March!

Save Me

2008-03-23T16:27:00.001-07:00

As loving as your little kitty may seem, she/he may not be as interested in your body Thetan problem as you might think.

She Blinded Me with Science

2008-03-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

Finally, scientific evidence that proves...

...your sink brush is clean enough to use as an eating utensil!

I've been saying this for YEARS and, to the dismay of others, following my own advice AS WELL.

Take that, all you naysayers!

LOLcat ban vote results are in!

2008-03-19T04:39:00.000-07:00

Polls are now closed on the LOLcat ban vote. Results are being tallied.

......

The hanging chad issue has been rectified and the full results are in! It turns out that superdelegates were not required as expected. The referendum to ban LOLcats from Kitchen Patrol has failed!

So here you go, go ahead and bask in your sweet victory:

Please note: the current Administration will not search for these LOLcat things. If you want them to appear, please send your kitchen-oriented LOLcat images to femaletrouble3 @ yahoo.com Thanks to Private Sean for today's special Parkour image!

Also please note the change in the Kitchen Patrol header graphics at the top of the page!

Is your kitchen floor clean enough to do this?

2008-03-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

Kitchen Cleaning Nirvana! This is the plateau you are going for, people!

How many of you can comfortably say that you have achieved this level of Kitchen Zen-li-ness?

Color me IMPRESSED. I believe this reader should be awarded a Kitchen Patrol Medal! (if nothing else but for sheer bravery?!)

p.s. I hope the medal won't have to be a Purple Heart. We'll know in a day or so for sure.

Kitchen Perimeter Defense System

2008-03-17T04:37:00.000-07:00

Having difficulties keeping the infidels off of your freshly cleaned kitchen floor before your mopping effort completely dries? You might just be in the market for a Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense System:

This diagram is for illustrative purposes only--the blue lines actually represent an invisible LASER (Light Amplification by Stimulated Emmission of Radiation) detection sensor field.

Once activated (tip: if you plug your into a Clapper, you can easily activate/de-activate before entering the sensor field and inadvertently activating and triggering the "device") the area will be protected against incursion.

This Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense System makes it a snap to identify your perp. Unauthorized motion triggers the primary device which "explodes" (via replaceable CO2 cartridge, available wherever pellet guns are sold) a canister of indelible black ink. The entire protected perimeter area will be evenly coated with permanent ink, including your perp! All surfaces of the perp facing the device at activation time will be covered in ink. After the "event" just line your family/roomates up and it will be obvious who is guilty (you may even catch them in the act of trying to clean themselves up!) You DO have to clean up the mess in your kitchen afterwards, but that's a small price to pay for capturing the incursor!

Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense System: "Set it and forget it!" Thanks to Private First Class Lee for pointing KP at this new offering from Ronco!

KP Tip of the Day (KPTOTD): The Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense warning stickers ("Warning! This area is protected by Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense System.") are available for sale separately. If you buy just the stickers and put them up, you can gain some of the benefits of a Ronco Kitchen Perimeter Defense System without actually having to purchase the full system!

LOLcat poll resolution

2008-03-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

Kitchen Patrol is an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major...

What I am really trying to say is that supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

The Vote is Currently Tied! Vote Now if You Care! (over to your right and down a bit).

Let's get this settled once and for all! Time is running out!
Don't let KP devolve into a Self-Perpetuating Autocracy!

Tip for cleaning behind appliances!

2008-03-14T04:34:00.001-07:00

Specialist Philip has devised an ingenious way of streamlining the task of cleaning behind your kitchen appliances: NEVER FULLY INSTALL THEM:

"It cooks great right where it is and also serves as a handy seat. Oh, and I've noticed that it lowers my home heating costs, especially when the door is open," reports Specialist Philip.

Thrifty, convenient and GREEN! Consider yourself promoted!

LOLcats, who would have thought?

2008-03-12T15:38:00.001-07:00

Ok, ok, ok, color me wrong! I didn't realize that the KP community would be THAT into LOLcats! Here is one more, just the for the LOLcat Corp of Kitchen Patrol:

Remember, if you don't like LOLcats, it's not too late to have these things banned from KP. If you feel strongly about it, or feel at all, please vote (look over to your right and down...)

LOLcats

2008-03-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

KP needs to jump on the LOLcat bandwagon and ride the wave of popularity and social pressure associated with LOLcats!

[ed: I had to remove a sentence here due to the overwhelming responses against it] Just don't forget what it is and drink it urself LOL

Oh come on, don't get all PETA on me, you know I was just kidding. Or do you just feel bad because you thought the same thing?

Please take a minute and vote in the KP poll regarding LOLcats--- over to your right and down a bit. Also, please feel free to leave a comment or two making your opinion on LOLcats known to the entire KP community.

Open source kitchen cleaning robots

2008-03-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

In the media:

Open source robot: Your next personal assistant

Imagine a robot that hands you a beer and then cleans your kitchen and living room. That's what a start-up called Willow Garage in Menlo Park, Calif., is busy developing. But the company isn't going it alone: Willow Garage is an open source project that wants as much outside participation as possible. link[thanks to Private Lee for the submission!]

I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new kitchen cleaning overlords:

Imagine this though: when SKYNET takes over, the very first thing you will have to fight is the Robot in Your Own Kitchen!

Sexist cleaning article in the media

2008-03-07T05:59:00.000-08:00

In the media:

Men who do housework may get more sex
By DAVID CRARY, AP National Writer Thu Mar 6, 1:51 PM ET

NEW YORK - American men still don't pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care, but collectively they're not the slackers they used to be. The average dad has gradually been getting better about picking himself up off the sofa and pitching in, according to a new report in which a psychologist suggests the payoff for doing more chores could be more sex.
...
"If a guy does housework, it looks to the woman like he really cares about her — he's not treating her like a servant," said Coleman, who is affiliated with the Council on Contemporary Families. "And if a woman feels stressed out because the house is a mess and the guy's sitting on the couch while she's vacuuming, that's not going to put her in the mood." link

Jeez, what a sexist article!

Let's be fair here. The men of KP work very hard at their cleaning and we take their Duty To Kitchen very seriously! In the interest of fairness and balance (we are always fair and balanced here at KP), here's the Politically Correct Point/Counterpoint Version of this article:

Women who do housework may get more sex

By KP

NEW YORK - American women still don't pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care, but collectively they're not the slackers they used to be. The average mom has gradually been getting better about picking herself up off the sofa and pitching in, according to a new report in which a psychologist suggests the payoff for doing more chores could be more sex.

...

"If a woman does housework, it looks to the man like she really cares about him — she's not treating him like a servant. And if a man feels stressed out because the house is a mess and the woman's sitting on the couch while he's vacuuming, that's not going to put him in the mood."

IF you have an opinion on this topic, please make your thoughts on this subject known in the comment section.

Caution: Non-PC comments may be deleted without warning!

What's the best thing about cleaning your kitchen?

2008-03-07T03:31:00.000-08:00

Satisfaction in a job well done! Kinda like mowing the grass--you can see your progress, and when it's done, it's done!

Then, as a reward for a job well done, you can Rock Out with a free conscience:

You gonna a try a pick slide on a dirty floor?!! I THINK NOT!

Go Ahead and Jam, you Deserve it!

You can't hide your messy kitchen under...

2008-03-06T04:39:00.001-08:00

...empty 12-pack boxes of COORS:

So don't EVEN TRY!

Now drop and give me 30 on your dirty floor!

Fire Hazards

2008-03-05T05:22:00.000-08:00

While cleaning (or, for that matter, in general) you need to be mindful of introducing or creating hazards. Sometimes hazards can be of the form of substances or bad combinations of substances. Sometimes hazards can be simply created by bad or dangerous placement of existing items.

Drill Time: How many fire hazards can spot in this kitchen?

Cleaning Frequency of your Stove

2008-03-04T04:57:00.000-08:00

How often do you clean your stove?

Here at Kitchen Patrol, we recommend daily cleaning of your stove as these two gentlemen demonstrate:

Dishwasher Safe

2008-03-03T03:55:00.001-08:00

Here at Kitchen Patrol, where our focus is service to Kitchen, we get lots of questions along the lines of "Is this such and such 'dishwasher safe'"?

Well, sometimes that is a hard question to answer. If an item is questionably dishwasher safe, it's best to go with using the top rack. Sometimes you just need to try the item in question and be prepared to have it ruined. If this is unacceptable to you, don't take the risk and simply hand wash it!

We here at KP can't anwer all your individual questions on whether a such and such is dishwasher safe. We are already flooded with emails as it is! We're afraid you are going to have resort to your best judgement in the the field.

As an excercise of today's lesson, which of the following does your gut tell you are not dishwasher safe?

[Hint: two of the three above aren't dishwasher safe!]

A big Sigh and a SURPRISE!

2008-02-28T15:53:00.001-08:00

Sigh...

Surprise! Because you have worked SO hard the last few months since Kitchen Patrol started, YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

Today Only: NO CLEANING YOUR KITCHEN! IT CAN WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW! CONGRATS!!

INCORRECT way to deal with a fridge "issue"

2008-02-27T17:48:00.001-08:00

The Moral of the Day (MoD): If you are having an "issue" in your fridge, you must take immediate corrective action!

Taping your fridge shut does NOT make the problem go away!! DO NOT attempt to live in DENIAL! Doing so will only make your problem (and subsequently your life) WORSE!

Organizational Skills

2008-02-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Everything has a place and everything is in its place:

Quite Orderly!

Doesn't this picture capture the true essence of organization? Think you do better? Yeah right. Prove it! Send a picture demonstrating YOUR organizational skills to femaletrouble3 at yahoo.com. Betcha can't.

Please Note: failing to submit a example photograph is an admission of your inferior organizational skills. No shame, just admission.

Cleaning Video Game

2008-02-26T04:14:00.001-08:00

No, not cleaning your existing video game. A Kitchen Cleaning video game. A video game that simulates real cleaning chores and "rewards" you for a job well done!

For the wii: you have to get down on the floor and scrub with your wii controller as if it was a sponge. First one to finish scrubbing the entire floor moves on to the baseboards. Level2 is cleaning the windows. Level3 is catching falling dishes and tossing them into the dishwasher.

PS/3 options? xBox? 360? KitchenHero? MopHero? Virtual kids seated at your kitchen table throw crap on the floor that streams at you on placemats and you have to get it with your USB MopHero (TM) mop? If you miss an item the virtual children scream? If you can keep up with the incoming crap, the game continues to repeatedly play the same children's songs over and over at an unbearable volume and distortion level?

Get with the Program. It's all about Building Life Skills.

Note: If there are any Venture Capital "Angels" reading this blog that want to help me (financially) to develop and market this application, please write to me at femaletrouble3 at yahoo.com

P.S. If you would like to pre-order this game, leave your full name, credit card number, expiration date and CVV2 in a comment. Pre-ordering is the only guaranteed way to prevent having to stand in line at Best Buy. Don't end up looking unhip, pre-order today.

Proper Lighting

2008-02-25T04:44:00.000-08:00

Proper lighting is essential to doing your job correctly and efficiently.

Note that this enterprising KP'er has integrated proper lighting INTO his organizational layout:

SMART and HANDY! Consider yourself promoted!

Garbage Disposals

2008-02-22T04:36:00.000-08:00

Lots of people have Garbage Disposals in their kitchen sinks. What an awesome appliance...you throw crap in there and it just plain DISAPPEARS. Here is a external view of a typical Garbage Disposal (with protective cover in place):

I don't know about you, but I've alway been afraid to reach into a Garbage Disposal with my hand. Terrified of it is more like it. Even if I'm sure the switch is off (what IF it starts on its own?). Even if I'm sure electrical circuit breaker is thrown (what IF the disposal switch is OFF [or was it ON?], the breaker is OFF, and someone comes along and sees it thrown: "Well geez, this breaker is thrown, I'll do someone a favor and throw it back for them...") Presto, my hand is mauled beyond recognition.

No, it's not one of these irrational horror movie fears:

I just don't want my hand mauled beyond recognition. It's that simple. Call me overly cautious, but I will go to great lengths to prevent my hand from being mauled beyond recognition.

Few people actually understand the internals of Garbage Disposals; however, an understanding of how the internal mechanisms work is helpful in understanding how to maintain and fix them.

Are there spinning blades in there? Crushing wheels? Some type of spinning blade/crushing wheel hybrid? It used to keep me awake at night. I knew I could just reach in there and find out, but that simply was not an option.

Then came the day I could no longer think about it--I needed to get some sleep. So I decided to circumvent the danger by simply removing the protective outer cover of the Garbage Disposal and find out first hand how the Disposal mechanism worked.

The following picture shows my Garbage Disposal with it's outer cover removed. If you are not already familiar with how Garbage Disposals work, you might want take a minute to prepare yourself before looking ahead:

So THAT'S how they work!

Now that you know how they work, please remember to feed you "pig" on a regular basis. Now you understand why they like organic materials! I get emails asking "Is this such and such safe to put in my Disposal? What about corn cobs?" Well, you need to refer to the manual that came with your "pig". I don't want to be held responsible for IRRESPONSIBLE advice!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's extra credit: Speaking of pigs, do you know what a nemesis is? [leave your answer in a comment and keep it clean please by '*'ing out any foul language!].

Be Careful of What You Are Searching For

2008-02-21T05:09:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I decided to do a little research on the Internet for KP. I prefer to only use material from people and first hand sources that I trust well, but thought, what the heck, I'll go for it and see what's available out there.

So I surf over to google.com, click on "images" and enter "dirty kitchen" as search string. This is what I get:

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Queue the music, "BOOM BOOM CHICKA WOW-WOW"

What is the matter with these people? Pornography? Putting this vile sexually-oriented material on the internets and associating it with keywords like "kitchen"? What kind of trap have I already fallen into? Did this pic already install malwares and Trojan Horses on my computer? Geez! What did those pornographic sickos think I was looking for?

It's just plain SICK and DISGUSTING. We will now return our focus to cleaning disasters, rats, trash, personality problems, bugs and fetid meat.

You need space to do your job correctly!

2008-02-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs room to do their job correctly and efficiently. This enterprising KP'er has added additional counter space to aid in his cleaning chores: notice the "WING ADDITION" to his kitchen island! This valuable addition prevents him from getting "deadlocked"/"traffic jammed" (too much trash and no room to move, hence no way to get started cleaning) because of a lack of counter space:

Excellent solution! After all, how are you supposed to do your job without the necessary space?! We aren't miracle workers!

Thrifty AND efficient! Consider yourself PROMOTED!

KP Boot Camp--Mopping Your Kitchen: Step 1

2008-02-19T04:42:00.001-08:00

Welcome to another edition of KP Boot Camp On-line!

Today we are going to begin covering the basics of mopping your kitchen:

Step 1: Move/Remove all items that are currently on your kitchen floor. Throw them away, move them temporarily to another room, etc.

WHOA, STOP right there. I've been receiving emails to the effect of "you move too fast", "your instructions are too complicated...", "you leave out steps!" etc, so we are going to stop RIGHT here in today's tutorial. Now, quiz time to see if you have understood and learned Step 1. Take out a piece of paper and a pencil and study the following picture:

Ok, now, WHAT has she already done wrong? Write your answer on your piece of paper.

Comm'on PEOPLE, this one isn't that hard!!! NOW, type in what you wrote on your answer sheet into a comment following this post. LEAVE A COMMENT WITH YOUR ANSWER, AND DON'T YOU DARE PEAK AT THE COMMENTS BEFORE YOURS!!!

Breaking News: The Hazards of GFCIs

2008-02-17T09:14:00.001-08:00

KP has some sad and unfortunate news to report. Private First Class Philip had an "incident" this weekend. Good news is that he wasn't killed and is rapidly recovering; however he will bear the mental and olfactory scars for quite a while.

Let's all try to learn something from this unfortunate event.

Setup: Private First Class Philip has a chest freezer. I think he is borrowing it from someone, I'm not sure if he actually owns it or not. He and his wife have been keeping frozen venison burgers in it. The chest freezer is on a GFCI (ground fault circuit interrupter). Good idea, eh? Safety and all that? Not.

Precursor Event: At some point, the GFCI tripped (i.e. turned the power off to the freezer). Who knows why or, more importantly, when. This precursor event went unnoticed. Mother Nature began her cruel and relentless work.

Sequence of Woe and Injury: KP contributor Spot went over to Private First Class Philip's house. He noticed an unusual smell, crinkled his nose and spoke up that effect: "Smells bad in here..." [ed note: this accounting was relayed to me through surviving witnesses, please correct if necessary].

The smell was easily and promptly traced to the vicinity of the chest freezer.

The freezer was opened. [ed note: witness reports of what happened next differ greatly, but it's safe to assume that all knees present became weak and gag reflexes were tripped to "purge"--this was a common report in all witness defriefings].

After a hasty retreat, a remote camera was piloted in on a boom and took the following recon picture:

You can almost SEE the smell.

KP Tip-Of-The-Day (KPTOTD): Take a small dab of Vick's Vapo-Rub and smear it on your upper lip directly underneath your nostrils. It will help to cover the undesirable smell when attempting to work in environments like this.

NOW: How would you solve/resolve this predicament? There are various approaches that come to mind:

Call 911

Fill the freezer full of Clorox, close it, hope for the best, and wait

Drag the freezer outside and burn it in place

Burn the house down, starting the fire from outside the house

Obtain a mannequin, dismember it, place it in the chest freezer, drag the chest freezer into the neighbor's yard [ed note: I really don't understand this one, but I understand it was a course of action that was considered on-site during the event. The smell may have actually effected the thought processes of the personal present?]

However, Private First Class Philip took another entirely valid course of action to resolve the issue at hand in a way that limited his personal exposure to the fetid meat: HE ASKED HIS WIFE TO CLEAN IT UP. Smart: yes. Risky: yes.

KP has not yet received word on the status of the "situation". If you have any additional information for the SITREP (situational report) please leave a comment (I'm not going over there to find out what's going on). Likewise, if you were witness to these horrific events, please leave a message describing the events from your personal perspective. Please let others learn from your actions.

New Shiny and Clean URL

2008-02-16T04:43:00.000-08:00

KP'ers: you can now get to KP (Kitchen Patrol) using this new shiny and clean URL: http://kpatroll.org ! http://www.kpatroll.org also works of course. Note that there are two "L"s in the URL. Suggestion: get a Sharpie, right now, and write this URL on your mop handle.

Here are some handy ways to help you remember (if your mop isn't with you):

"k patrol with an extra L dot org"

"kp a troll dot org"

"kp at roll dot org"

http://kpatrol.blogspot.com will also still work if you prefer to remember it.

Note: if http://kpatroll.org doesn't work for you right now, it will soon... sometimes it takes a while for the DNS stuff to get smeared all around the interwebs.

Safe Storage of Raw Meat

2008-02-11T15:19:00.001-08:00

Storage of raw meat requires certain precautions.

Soaking of raw meat along with soaking your dishes (even if they are clean like these...) is just plain not acceptable:

Soaking of your dishes and storage of your raw meat are two different things. Let's keep them that way, 'k?

Top of the pest food chain: THE RAT KING

2008-02-11T03:52:00.000-08:00

Occasionally, you may ask yourself: if I let my kitchen go to hell, what's the worst that can happen? I mean, come on, I really don't feel like cleaning today... it's nice outside...

Well, to put it quite bluntly, BAD things can happen. Not cleaning your kitchen for an extended period of time (say three days or more) can set up the environment necessary for the creation of a RAT KING. No, not a "king of the rats"--no, no, NO, something MUCH worse than that.

RAT KING are said to arise when a number of rats become intertwined at their tails, which become stuck together with blood, dirt, and excrement. The rats then grow up together in a hideous ball of thrashing pure unadulterated evil. Here is a RAT KING corpse (this one was obviously defeated, which is rather rare):

THE RAT KING snarls and gnashes in its liar, forcing its minions to bring it your table scraps. You try to force THE THING out of its abode by jamming your broom handle into its recessed shelter under you sink. Adminst violent shaking and trashing of your broom handle, your mind blurs...you try to yank it back out, but the collective of THE RAT KING has locked on to it and provides heavy resistance to your pull. Hissing. Thrashing. You can sense the unseen activity and movement in the liar but you can't quite form a mental image of WHAT is in there and WHAT is happening. Suddenly your handle is free and an eerie silence passes over the room. You nearly lose your balance backwards as THE RAT KING releases it's sickening grip. The end of your handle is now chewed, scarred, has hair on it, and is slightly bloody. Your mind races with your possible next steps... strychnine? gasoline? black powder?

Does this sound fun and exciting to you? Is this the way you want to spend an evening after a long day at the office? Don't go down this road--keep your kitchen clean and this probably won't happen to you.

Da Bomb

2008-02-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

Pine-Sol is DA BOMB in your war against dirt and grime!

[Note: there is no reflecto-you-know-what in this picture, so quit looking.]

Soaking Faux Pas

2008-02-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

You recall the post on the valuable and frequently necessary skill of soaking, right?

Well, I encountered the following conditions while on TDY (Temporary Duty Assignment) KP at work.

You really shouldn't soak items made from wood. It causes the wood to absorb and retain the "fluid". Germs will set up shop inside the wood and create their own flippin' ecosystem in there. And they aren't coming out without a full volley of chemical warfare.

But the primary mistake in this case study is that soaking for more than FIVE DAYS (and still counting) is a bit much--this scenario is likely to create a FOODMINE (functions somewhat similar to a landmine). More on FOODMINES in an upcoming post.

Practical Jokes

2008-02-06T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm only going to say this ONE TIME and ONE TIME ONLY: the Kitchen is NO place for practical jokes!

Someone submitted the following picture to KP. I don't know the scenario/setup/gag here, nor do I want to:

All I know is whatever caused this to happen is not funny. This the person who set this gag up LOOKING for a Court Martial/Dishonorable discharge from their KP Duties? Do you have any idea how slippery and dangerous that floor is at this point? WE ARE PROFESSIONALS, please take your work SERIOUSLY!

Cleaning Blunder: depriving yourself of proper working space

2008-02-06T17:46:00.001-08:00

Everyone needs room to work.

One of the first steps you should consider when embarking on a Cleaning Mission is to make sure you have plenty of room to maneuver to be able to do your job efficiently and correctly.

Notice that even in the trivial cleaning job shown in the following picture, there is a carefully thought out and established cleaning "ingress/egress" aisle:

Excellent planning depicted here! That aisle will become critical once the hauling of food to the trash and/or fridge begins.

Once your strategy and tactics are planned in detail, execute. Remember: If you fail to plan, you will fail.

Reconnaissance photo just in!

2008-02-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

Remember my warnings of the post Introduction to your Primary Enemy? Well, KP just received a recon photo showing just how technologically sophisticated the bug that shall not be named has become:

Simply put: YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE CAPABILITIES OR TECHNOLOGY OF YOUR ENEMY COMBATANTS.

We aren't even sure WHAT the technology in the picture does yet. However, witnesses reported that it did appear to be able to control the large muscle groups and thought patterns of the humans they attacked. I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't want to be laying on the kitchen floor, twitching, confused and immobilized, while the collective released their full attack force (potentially millions of bugs) on me and my kitchen.

The fate of the individual that managed to take this picture is still classified. Suffice it to say that numerous "bug bombs" were utilized in the ensuing battle.

HOWEVER, it is important to note that the overuse of defensive weaponry can cause significant damage to your house:

A family living in a house infested with [ed: the bug that shall not be named] and rats set off 19 "bug bomb" foggers in their 470-square-foot City Heights home yesterday, causing an explosion that virtually blew the building apart and sent Christmas decorations into the street, police said.
link

Know your enemy!

Cleaning Tip: Get a new perspective!

2008-02-05T16:40:00.001-08:00

Let's face it: everybody gets used to cleaning the same surfaces over and over. When you are determining whether something is clean, say your stove, you have conditioned yourself to look at the same surfaces that you always do... you look at the top, near the burners, maybe the backsplash... but do you remember to check the FRONT of you stove? The sides? What else is right in your face, but you are missing?

Unchecked, you will gradually reduce your dirt "search and clean" pattern down to the very minimum--since it happens gradually, you won't realize it. You need a new perspective: Get down on your knees in your kitchen and LOOK UP at things. You will be amazed at the pure unmitigated filth you may find. Think of the poor children... this is the view they always have of your kitchen.

The only thing better than a new perspective is a fresh set of eyes. Ask your friend to come over and look at your kitchen and tell you what is dirty. Tell your friend to be brutally honest. You will be amazed at the obvious things you were missing!

Let's try an excerise and practice what you have learned today. Below is a picture of my friend Ed's kitchen. I took it last week after he announced that his kitchen was clean. Sure, the cooking surfaces sparkle. But what about the things Ed may be missing because he has experienced this gradual "tunnel vision" of his search and clean pattern?

Leave a comment that explains what you would say to Ed. I.e. what has he missed? What could he do better? You are his fresh set of eyes... be brutally honest. I'll compile your comments and send them to Ed.

KP Boot Camp: Soaking

2008-02-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

Have you encountered some grunge, crusting or offending material that just WON'T come off a plate no matter how hard you scrub? Soaking can be your best ally under these conditions:

1) Simply fill your sink or other suitable soaking container with warm water and a few squirts of dishwashing liquid (best added AS you fill your sink/container). Then place your troublesome dishes/utensils in the sink and do your best to submerge them.

2) Wait. How long you have to wait depends on your field/problem conditions and quality/ratio of your dishwashing liquid. Speaking of dishwashing liquid quality, you may have to try a few different types to find out what's best for you. Don't just try to cheap out here, we are professional germ killers, this isn't "amateur hour". "Quality" can make a huge difference in your dishWASHER fluids as well. Don't be afraid to experiment, but be wary, some of the higher end/expensive brands aren't any better than the cheapos. But be careful to note which cleaning fluids are for WHICH tasks--or you may have a bit of a disaster on your hands. Some of these mistakes, while they may appear humorous on the surface, CAN KILL YOU. More on that in a future post ("Mustard Gas doesn't taste nearly as good as it sounds").

3) After a bit of a wait (> 10 minutes or so) determine if the soaking period has been long enough. Take one of the troublesome items out of the sink and see if the persistent/offending material wipes off easily. If it doesn't, don't strain yourself--just simply toss it back into your soaking container and continue waiting. Goto 3). Wait overnight if you have too. [note: using the kitchen's primary sink as a soaking vessel can "shutdown" the food prepartion activities in your kitchen. Keep this little tidbit of info in your back pocket--it may come in very handy someday and give you a much needed tactical advantage in a domestic situation].

4) If you are somewhat lucky, you may be able to "handwash"/rinse some of the items that have been soaking and NOT have to put them in the dishwasher as a next step. This can be a great relief and provide reinforcement to the entire kitchen cleaning cycle--it frees up more room in the dishwasher--so keep your wits about you and look for things following the soaking period that can be diverted to the Handwash->Drying Rack work flow.

5) Items that don't get diverted into the Handwash->Drying Rack workflow will need to be rinsed with water before placing them into the dishwasher. You should be well aware by now of what can happen if a sufficient quantity on dishwashing liquid is introduced into the dishwasher internal environment.

Here is a Soaking "action shot":

Note: Soaking isn't the "end all-be all" of cleaning dishes and utensils. Some the items soaking in this particular picture may require further washing.

Fun and Games

2008-02-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

All KP'ers occassionally need some R & R (Rest and Relaxation). If don't have time for R & R because of your Duty Station or Duty Situation, at least you can have a little fun while on Patrol.

If have a slightly dirty floor and also have tile with a checkered pattern, you can write numbers in the thin layer of dirt and then play Hopscotch as this enterprising KP'er shows:

Note that will only work for you if the floor is slighty dirty. A moderately dirty floor like this one would not be suitable for this activity:

The Kitchen Cleaning Gun

2008-02-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

A new weapon is now available for your kitchen cleaning arsenal: The Kitchen Cleaning Gun. I, for one, want one really bad.

If you have qualified with this particular weapon, please leave a comment that explains the the effectiveness, range, and accuracy of this particular model. Also please comment on the Total Cost of Ownership (TCO): the ammunition costs, cleaning frequency, barrel replacement, etc.

Please share your knowledge for the benefit of your fellow KP'ers.

Now clean. DisMissssed.

Stories from the Field

2008-01-31T17:56:00.000-08:00

KP enlisted member Knownowow wrote in to say:

What you said about bugs getting big while in your fridge was right on. I was reaching for the milk in my fridge and noticed that the Cheese Log that I had on a plate moved a bit. I poked the Log with a fork and the whole Log shuddered and squirmed. I rinsed it off in the sink and this remained (and it was mad):

I really couldn't tell what was what until after I rinsed it off. The log was actually more than half bug. About 1/4 of the total junk on the plate was regular Cheese Log food and about 1/4 of it was bug crap but the rest was actual bug--at first glance it was all the same. Anyway, thanks for the advice!

Which reminds me, fellow KP'ers, you can send your field reports and Duty Action Reports (DARs) to femaletrouble3 at yahoo.com Let others learn from you mistakes and successes!

Introduction to your Primary Enemy

2008-01-30T16:52:00.000-08:00

Bugs are the worst of your many enemies. They are your staunchest enemies. They are the Republican Guard of your enemies.

If you allow them to establish a base camp within your perimeter, you could very well end up losing control of your entire Theatre of Operations (TO).

Should you happen to spot an enemy scout, you must take immediate action. A lone scout is often a precursor to a full out invasion. A single scout or two may indicate that MILLIONS of enemies are already being staged. They are experts at camouflage and tactics. They are SO good and SO natural at it that you may begin to believe they were BORN to do it. This is not the case however; they were trained in special camps. And when you are not around, they openly mock you.

The scout must be taken out to ensure that he doesn't not communicate your intentions back to the enemy collective.

If you see a lone scout of the bug that must not be named during daylight hours, you already have a potentially serious problem. Only the weakest reveal themselves during the daylight.

We will cover bug enemy threats in greater detail in future posts and SOPs; however, you need to know this NOW: if you allow the enemy to enter your refridgerator, they will quickly grow to enormous size and may even kill you: