Stories from the Field

KP enlisted member Knownowow wrote in to say:

What you said about bugs getting big while in your fridge was right on. I was reaching for the milk in my fridge and noticed that the Cheese Log that I had on a plate moved a bit. I poked the Log with a fork and the whole Log shuddered and squirmed. I rinsed it off in the sink and this remained (and it was mad):

I really couldn't tell what was what until after I rinsed it off. The log was actually more than half bug. About 1/4 of the total junk on the plate was regular Cheese Log food and about 1/4 of it was bug crap but the rest was actual bug--at first glance it was all the same. Anyway, thanks for the advice!

Which reminds me, fellow KP'ers, you can send your field reports and Duty Action Reports (DARs) to femaletrouble3 at yahoo.com Let others learn from you mistakes and successes!

Introduction to your Primary Enemy

Bugs are the worst of your many enemies. They are your staunchest enemies. They are the Republican Guard of your enemies.

If you allow them to establish a base camp within your perimeter, you could very well end up losing control of your entire Theatre of Operations (TO).

Should you happen to spot an enemy scout, you must take immediate action. A lone scout is often a precursor to a full out invasion. A single scout or two may indicate that MILLIONS of enemies are already being staged. They are experts at camouflage and tactics. They are SO good and SO natural at it that you may begin to believe they were BORN to do it. This is not the case however; they were trained in special camps. And when you are not around, they openly mock you.

The scout must be taken out to ensure that he doesn't not communicate your intentions back to the enemy collective.

If you see a lone scout of the bug that must not be named during daylight hours, you already have a potentially serious problem. Only the weakest reveal themselves during the daylight.

We will cover bug enemy threats in greater detail in future posts and SOPs; however, you need to know this NOW: if you allow the enemy to enter your refridgerator, they will quickly grow to enormous size and may even kill you:

Foam Filled Disasters!

Private JJ has provided the following nugget from the past:

YOU called me circa 1989 asking how much dish washing LIQUID to put in the dishwasher and should you fill the cup all the way up? This question was asked after the wash cycle had started and should have been, "Why are so many soap bubbles coming out of the door of the dishwasher?"

Ouch. It's true. KP is all about honesty so I fully admit it. This occurred WAY before I enlisted for Duty however.

It was like that scene in "I Love Lucy"--the room starting filling with soap suds. It was a small kitchen and quickly became knee deep in bubbles.



[ed. note: I really tried to find a screenshot of the I Love Lucy episode where the bubble/foam disaster occurred. But I could not locate one. I even watched (sat through is more like it) FOUR ENTIRE Lucille Ball "Tribute" videos hoping that they would include a shot from that scene--all to no avail. The picture above is going to have to do.Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know what lengths we go to around here for you.]

Here is a pic (from somewhere else) that documents the early stages of this rather difficult tactical situation:



How would you solve this problem?

It's not as easy as it sounds. The NEXT time you try to run the dishwasher it WILL HAPPEN AGAIN because of the soap/soap film that remains in the dishwasher! Well, suck it up, you're going to clean the bubbles up a number of times whether you want to or not. Well I guess you could keep running the dishwasher over and over without cleaning up between cycles IF you could FIND the dishwasher after the first couple of cycles.

Some other things to try if you find yourself in this desperate field problem:

Believe me it would be a major mess and take forever(at least 10 complete cycles)to clean the soap out of the dishwasher so it does not overflow with soap suds. Vinegar could be added to help neutralize the soap but that is not an instant cure.
http://sg.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060908144344AAZtC1F

...and the only suggestion, and probably a good one, was to take a bunch of towels and soak up the soapy water in the basin of the dishwasher, but for me that was an even bigger mess, and required too much effort. Breaks up the bubbles, still couldn't remember! After that I felt I was losing the battle and the dishwasher has won, feeling so defeated I went in to the family room to watch some TV, and lo and behold a commercial came on for Di-gel, an antacid, anti-gas remedy, for sour stomachs, I went running in to the bathroom to see what I had and found a similar product called Gaviscon, which does the same thing, grabbed two pills and crumbled them in my hands, and tossed them in the dishwasher, and POOF!!! All the bubbles were gone, and the machine completed it's cycle with no further out flow of bubbles!
http://www.talkwhatever.com/archive/index.php?t-1711.html

EXCELLENT field improvised solution, wouldn't you say? Worthy of a medal!

SOP: "Top Down" Order of Operations

Here at KP we have SOPs (Standing [no, not Standard] Operating Procedures). SOPs are promulgated by KP unit members, and are based on unit experience and local conditions.

One such SOP is that, unless local conditions dicate a different course of action, Kitchens should be cleaned "Top Down", i.e. clean the top of the fridge, top of cabinets first. Then the cabinets, then the counter tops, stove top, sink, etc. Floors come last. The reason should be fairly obvious--you don't want to clean the floor and then have all the crap on your counter tops fall onto the floor when you are cleaning them (the counter tops that is). Once again, keep in mind that this is a SOP and deployed units may deviate if local conditions dictate.

In the following picture, the individual is following the SOP: "Top Down" Order of Operations. Study it carefully:



Even though he appears to be following the SOP, he has already made a mistake. Can you spot it? Leave a comment that explains what he should have already done differently. I'll post the answer in a couple of days.

Today's For Better or For Worse expresses the regret and dismay we may occasionally experience in our Duty to Kitchen:



You must not allow tactical situations or internal feelings like this to cloud your honor, duty, and feeling of pride. This job isn't easy--or anybody could do it. YOU chose to step up because YOU have what it takes.

Yes, it can be thankless job at times. You need to look past these hardships. Only the truly elite can succeed.

Today's submission of FBorFW was from Private First Class Philip. Why Private First Class you ask? Because if you submit something to KP, you get recognized and promoted!

Why is this mission SO important?

WHY do accept the awesome responsibility of KP Duty? What are the consequences of not stepping up and demonstrating the necessary duty, pride, and service to Kitchen?

Well, guest blogger Philip has provided KP with an excellent training web site that shows, in excruciating detail, what can happen if the enemy gets a toehold and wins the "war":

They live.

The eggs have hatched. Oh man. What at first appeared to be glistening meat turned out to be hundreds and hundreds of baby maggots. They have quickly gnawed out a hunk of the ground beef. They seem to be having a great time.

When I approached the meat, some of them stood on end and waved their little bodies back and forth. I think they were thanking me.

http://www.stinkymeat.net/stinkymeat/day8/

Don't let your guard down, even for a moment, while on KP Duty. The very future of the Kitchen depends on your dedication and personal sacrifice.

Name the organic matter!

WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS THIS:



I found it in the refrigerator.

I am admittedly not very good with the whole fruits and vegetables "deal", but I really have no idea what this thing is. I thought it might be a peach or something, but the scale is all wrong. I put a penny in the picture so you have some idea of it's size. Would you eat it?

Please leave a comment with your best guess. I will then attempt to extract the necessary information from my family by non-violent interrogation (our house is physical torture/waterboarding-free zone). If you get it correct, you will be recognized right here on KP! Good luck and I just want to say I'm counting on you.

dishwasher unloading

LORDY LORDY, I came home today and the dishwasher was already running. Somebody else finished loading it and started it.

Speaking of dishwashers, here is today's dishwasher tip:

*When unloading the dishwasher, pull out the lower rack first and unload it completely first. Then pull out the upper rack and unload it.

Reason: sometimes bowls and cups and things will trap some water (potentially gunky) and if you disturb the upper rack first it may dump that crap on your clean dishes waiting innocently below completely unaware of the looming threat from above. Do yourself and your lower dishes a favor and save them from this potential crap bath.

Chapter 1: Undiscovered seed pod mass

So I'm cleaning the kitchen and I find this:


I have no idea what it is or what to do with it. The picture doesn't do it justice. It's a (frozen?) gelatinous mass covered with some type of alien-looking seed pods. Is there a turkey embedded in there? A part of a chicken? A pork chop thigh?

I have no idea, so I'm not touching it. It will stay right there until someone else chooses to deal with it.